Walter’s Lost His Marbles (and I think I can find them)

My brother Walter just got back from “analysis.” I want to know what he does there! Around the house, Walter’s always a nervous wreck. It totally gets on my nerves. Gets on EVERYONE’s nerves…except maybe Ethel, who is too busy hating Steve to be bothered by Walter.

I think Walter’s nerves scare even Walter himself. When it’s time to go outside or even for a walk, he cowers like someone’s going to give him a swift kick. Steve calls him pathetic. (As if he has room to talk.) What furry beast doesn’t like having a thing around their neck attached to another long thing attached to a person and then go outside? That’s what furry beasts do.

The General is even bossy about it. Tries to pull his own leash to get our moms to hurry up and go. Maybe Eggnog doesn’t like it as much, though. She complains that my moms should carry her. I think it’s because they put a sweater on her and then a fancy jacket. It gives her the idea that she deserves special treatment. As far as I can tell, furry beasts get too much special treatment already.

So back to Walter. The stick man, as Loud Mom calls him. At dinnertime Walter’s scared of his own plate and takes hours to eat the canned food they give him. I wish they gave ME canned food and let ME go outside! Walter’s so lucky. Steve just blinked at me from the window and said “pathetic” again (pot, kettle), but I still think Walter is lucky.

Every day Walter also gets his own special “treat” smeared in peanut butter. It’s supposed to “help his nerves,” my moms say. To me, it doesn’t seem to do a thing. Maybe that’s why they started taking him to this analysis thing. I asked Walter what he does there and he said he just lays on a sofa and talks, but that the sofa kind of scares him even when he’s got his thundershirt on. He lies on the sofa here at home and talks – I don’t know why he needs to go somewhere else for that! These creatures are so strange…

Anyway, Walter said he likes going because the doctor – who wears smart glasses and a fancy suit – lets him talk about whatever he wants. I asked him what he talks about. I especially want to know if he talks about me! Maybe I’ll find out why he wants to chase me all the time. What does he think of Sherman? What does Violet whisper to him when he sniffs her neck? But Walter said he mostly talks about how he just wants to be under a blanket curled up on the sofa between his moms and doesn’t understand what’s wrong with that. Oh, and how all the toys and bones in the house were his first and he wishes his brother would keep his grubby paws off of them.

Walter did say that he overheard the doctor telling our moms that he suffers from a “multitude of neuroses” and an “over-developed superego.” What is that? Super Ego? Is he sure the doctor wasn’t talking about Steve? I think he’s got a Super HUGE Ego. It makes me want to barf up the pathetic dry food they feed us cats in this house. (Steve is right with the pathetic thing when it comes to this. I don’t care if Little Mom says it’s made from duck and very healthy – GIVE ME WET FOOD!!!).

Steve’s would-be lover Willow also has a super ego, flexing his hind legs and showing them off to Steve right before he vaults himself vertical at the birds at the feeders. But oh, yeah, Walter. He also told me that the doctor said he has a “depressive disorder” and mentioned something about an “Oedipal complex.” Walter has no idea what all that means, so I told him I’d Google them for him, which I did and now I’m even more confused.

I’m going to have to talk to Baby Girl about this. She already said she wants to know and that she trusts me to find out (which OF COURSE I will do). I looked up Oedipal complex, and apparently Walter is in love with his mom? Both moms? Or does it explain his thing about sitting between them and being under the blanket? My guess is that’s it, but all I do know is that I don’t want it. And thank the kitty gods that I’m not a furry beast and have to deal with THAT. That sounds terrible. Besides, you can’t hear or see ANYTHING going on if you’re sleeping underneath a blanket.

Regardless of Walter’s depressive disorder and mom-loving, maybe if I’m nice to him he’ll stop chasing me and I won’t have to sneak around the house anymore. But all in all, I think Walter’s issues are far from over. Next time he goes to analysis, I’m going to see if I can find a way to record what happens. Anyway, gotta go now! I just saw Eggnog barking at Baby Girl at the front door, and I know she wants to talk to me. I’ll write again soon!

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