OG in the house.

Boy has it been crazy around here the past few weeks! I’ve hardly had time to play with my track ball, stalk bugs, or nap in the window, let alone blog.

With the help of our brother, The General (a born digger), Eggnog unearthed her wardrobe from her days as successful rap artist.

Eggnog-yNogg+SnoopDogg_EgoTrippin

Since then she’s been schooling Steve on how to walk and talk like, well, an early-2000s rap artist. Let’s just say he’s not a natural.

As Steve’s initiation for the Springhill Ballers approached, Eggnog began the long, hard work of dressing him for the part. She said the right outfit wasn’t enough, that he should start assembling a portfolio [for what?!], and so I helped them find backgrounds that give him “street cred.” [Eggnog said his usual favorite place to pose — on our moms’ bed, where he spends 75% of his day lounging — makes him look too soft.]

After too many outfit changes to count,

steve-gang-outfit2

I think Steve looks more like Marlene Dietrich than Snoop Dogg here, but I’m letting Eggnog-y Nogg call the shots on this one.

steve-gang-outfit1

Strung out on catnip? No. Exhausted from 15 minutes of outfit changes.

Eggnog made her final selection for Steve:

steve-gang-outfit-final

I think this speaks for itself.

When initiation day came, Steve paced the house like a caged lion [minus the ferociousness]. After being laughed out of his last initiation attempt for wearing this:

steve-leather-queen-combined

Steve and I still don’t get what’s wrong with this look!?

he had zero confidence that dressing like a female canine rap artist would produce a better result.

Eggnog told Steve to stop sounding like a pussy. Obviously she’s asking the impossible – that’s what he is! [Ethel overheard Eggnog say this and went on one of her tirades about Andrea Dworkat and wimmin power. She said that the word has more than one meaning, and both of the meanings Eggnog used were meant as insults. Ethel insults Steve ALL of the time – in fact, she lives to insult Steve – so why should she care?!]

Once again I helped Steve sneak out of the house and waited by the window on pins and needles for him to return. I knew the news was good when I saw him prancing across the lawn toward the house [not looking very thug-like].

Steve was beside himself with excitement. He said the fellas thought he looked a little like their great-great-great-grandpas, but the improvement over his first attempt was drastic enough to let him in.

The work Eggnog did with him on his attitude was also helpful, particularly calling himself “OG”, walking with a limp [which almost got him taken to the vet – until he learned not to do it in front of our moms], and referring to himself in third person [which he already did anyway: “Steve has awesome abs,” “Steve needs to get a drink of filtered water…”].

Apparently, however, having the right outfit isn’t all it takes to get into a gang. Who knew? Before Steve can officially call himself a Springhill Baller, they want him to complete one more task: He has to stay out all night, pee on Mrs. Davis’s new flowerbed, and sneak into the crawl space under Mr. Landon’s house and shred the ductwork.

Mrs. Davis's new flowerbed.

Mrs. Davis’s new flowerbed.

I’m worried for Steve. Other than these past few times sneaking out to join this gang, he doesn’t go outside. And he’s NEVER been out after dark! What if our moms notice he’s gone? What if he runs into the St. Bernard that lives two doors down? Where will he get dinner? What if it’s raining or cold?!

I told Steve I don’t think he should do it, but he won’t listen. He said there’s no turning back now. I voiced my concerns, but he said those things don’t trouble him. His biggest worry is that shredding Mr. Landon’s ductwork will ruin his claws. That and he’ll have to miss one of his ab workouts just when he was getting back on a schedule.

Steve says abs like this don't come naturally, though, like Mark Wahlberg, he was blessed with good genetics.

Steve says abs like this don’t come naturally. They take hard work, lots of sleep, and good genetics.

Of course Eggnog was no help. She told me to chill out, that Steve’s just keepin’ it real. Besides, according to Eggnog, Steve staying out all night in our neighborhood is far safer than riding in a car with Tupac in Las Vegas. Eggnog said she’s lucky she made it out of that night in one piece.

I’d rather Steve not ride in a car with anyone, and I’d prefer he stay inside and drop this whole gang thing. But if he insists on going through with this, I’ll do whatever I can to help. He might get on my nerves, but he’s my brother and I love him.

32 thoughts on “OG in the house.

      • Well…perhaps what may be more beneficial is for Steve to talk with an ex-gang member, you know- find out what the life is REALLY like and all. Have you heard about those scared straight situations where someone gets to experience life inside from someone who knows… (oops, no pun intended there Carol- I am not trying to deny Steve’s sexuality at all, just suggesting an exposure to real gang life )

        Liked by 3 people

      • No offense taken! My moms like to joke that they never go straight; they only move gayly forward 🙂 You have an excellent idea, though! I’ll see what I can find!

        Liked by 2 people

  1. This doesn’t sound good, Carol. Sneaking out at night? Who knows where else this will lead! Steve needs to find something else, like maybe a book club that reads about gangs. And meets inside somewhere….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Steve in a book club!! Maybe if they read ab workout comparisons and discussed the benefits of supplementation? I wonder if such a club exists? Walter would LOVE a book club. Except the other dogs would make him nervous! Poor Walter.

      Liked by 2 people

    • OG means “Original Gangsta.” Ethel says Steve and Eggnog have it all wrong, that the real OG is a human named Al Capone. I don’t know who’s right, but I’m pretty sure Steve isn’t a very good gangsta, let alone an original one.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Sounds like this whole caper is heading for tragedy if a ductwork raid, a garden trashing and a trip out in the DARK (eeeek) are involved. Why not just let him spray paint a wall with some gang slogan…..everybody appreciates good art after all. The outfits rock though – the more bling the better – just ask Snoop about that – I suppose the cornrow hairdo is out for Steve?

    Hugs, Sam (the Sham)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey, Sam (the Sham)! I don’t see Steve sporting a new hairstyle – he was upset enough when Eggnog put a do-rag on his head! As for art, both of my moms love art whereas I never hear them talk about how much they like ductwork. So you may be onto something there! Maybe I’ll offer that as a suggestion. Thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. A message for Steve: Steve, dude, love yourself! You shouldn’t change who you are to get love or acceptance from others. if it was truly meant to be, they would love you for who you are. Stay strong, dog! Er, cat. Cat up!

    A message for Carol: Seriously. Install the Valium lick now!

    Liked by 1 person

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  5. Carol, little Grandma here. I’m fearing for Steve’s life. No matter how great his abs are, they won’t be able to keep him safe on the streets at night. What if – heaven forbid – the neighbors catch him peeing or shredding duckwork? I’m thinking that if this doesn’t get resolved soon I may have to contact loud mom and we ALL know that won’t be pretty…..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi, Grandma! I’m doing my best to come up with some alternatives for Steve to pitch to the gang. Whatever you do, please don’t tell our moms!! LOUD Mom would be especially mad that Steve’s cavorting with the outside cats [aka bird killers]!! We’ll make sure he stays safe no matter what he decides!

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  6. Carol, you have your paws full yet still find time to keep up with your fabulous blog. First, the pictures, love them. Secondly, you are such a good sister to Steve and he is such a character. This gang business seems like trouble for sure. It’s good that you’re trying to be the voice of reason but he seems intent on going down this path. Stay your sweet self and ask Baby Girl for input as she can be your “eyes and ears” outside!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words! I’m glad you enjoy the pictures! I’ve been trying to catch Baby Girl, but haven’t had much luck. I think her Life Coaching business has really taken off. Hopefully I’ll see her soon because I’m afraid we don’t have much time!!

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