False advertising?

The other day I woke to find a message in my inbox from a human named Ms. Rice that works for a company called Eli Lilly. She said Eli Lilly makes a medication called Prozac and they want to expand their market by advertising the drug for use with cats and dogs.

I contacted Ms. Rice and told her that my brother, Walter, has taken Prozac for almost a year now with excellent results [i.e., he chases me a little less] and that I would be more than happy to provide a testimonial for them.

She informed me that they already have a dog lined up and are in need of a cat. Evidently they tried to secure Grumpy Cat [who is already working with Pfizer to promote Zoloft],

grumpycat_zoloft

then Henri, the Existential Cat [who eschews antidepressants as pointless band-aids that merely mask the unavoidable pain of our meaningless existence].

Since their first two choices were unavailable, they want to work with my sister Ethel.

I informed Ms. Rice that Ethel used to take Prozac but it didn’t work. She said that didn’t concern her so much; it’s Ethel’s dyspeptic personality that makes her such a good fit.

I tried to sell the Walter angle again, hoping somehow there would be a role for me – since this is MY blog [!] – but she insisted on working with Ethel. So I told her I would get back to her.

Naturally I wanted to consult my neighbor, Baby Girl, to get her thoughts. As a Certified Life Coach, she’s very knowledgeable about the world and always has great, if unique, advice [remember the rebirthing?]. I waited by the window until I spotted her coming to stalk our bird feeders.

baby-girl_life-coach-bc

Baby Girl told me that after reading a number of interviews with Tom Cruise, she is opposed to psychotropic medications [I had to Google that term – Baby Girl is SO smart!].

She said that she’s been studying the online teachings of a guru named Gwyneth Paltrow and, as a result, Baby Girl is now touting the benefits of a “detox lifestyle.” Her recommendation: Have Ethel cut out meat [aren’t cats carnivores?!] and eat an all-organic diet of whole grains and fresh, locally sourced fruits and vegetables while also beginning a regimen of cardio dance alternating with kitty Pilates.

While those sound like great ideas for humans like Ms. Paltrow [except for maybe the kitty Pilates], I’m not so sure they’re good for cats. But, then, Baby Girl usually knows best….

I thanked Baby Girl for her suggestions, but decided to get a second opinion. Walter, with his years of therapy, who also takes Prozac, seemed like the logical choice. I told Walter about the advertising opportunity for Ethel. He was worried that they would want to tell everyone that he takes Prozac which might threaten his hard-won Pack Leader status. [I didn’t have the heart to tell him that a) we all know he takes Prozac, and b) none of us consider him our Pack Leader.]

walter-cowering2

Does this look like a Pack Leader?

I assured Walter that they only want to use Ethel in their ads. But he still wasn’t on board. He said that years of intensive analysis have taught him to discern the difference between characterological deficits [resistant to drug intervention] and neurochemical imbalances [conducive to drug intervention]; he has the latter [debilitating anxiety] and Ethel has the former [plain old mean]. So to use Ethel in their campaign would equate to false advertising. Walter feared that such deception is not only immoral, but could lead to expensive lawsuits and potential criminal charges. Yikes!

Just as I was getting ready to respond to Ms. Rice to decline her offer, I heard the familiar “thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk” that sends shivers down my spine. A loud meow confirmed my worst fear as Ethel laid into me with a series of profanities that I will spare you, dear reader. Suffice it to say: She was angry.

Ethel-Mouth

Ethel overheard me talking to Walter and accused us of conspiring, yet again, to thwart her chance at fame. I tried to explain that this has nothing to do with her singing career and that the reasons the company wants to use her are less than flattering, but she wouldn’t listen.

She told me to stay out of it, that she will take care of responding to Ms. Rice since it’s her that they want. She proceeded to paw a personal letter:

ethel-letter-prozac

29 thoughts on “False advertising?

  1. My goodness! I always suspected that there was little truth in a lot of advertising, now I have a valid situation that seems to confirm this!
    Walter thinks he is the pack leader?!? Does the General know this?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi, Jeanne! The General tolerates Walter’s feeble attempts to assert his “dominance.” He just wants to eat his chewies in peace. LOUD Mom also calls herself the Pack Leader, which always seems to give Little Mom a chuckle 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is one of your best! Of course, Now I know the players so it’s even better. Hazel would like Walter so send some Prozac her way. As for me, I want some of that stuff that made Tom Cruise declare is love (short-lived though it was) by jumping on the couch.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Kate! I’d send Hazel some of Walter’s Prozac, but he says that federal laws prohibit the sharing of prescription medication. Maybe Ethel can get Hazel some free samples if, heaven forbid, they hire her to make this ad! As for Tom Cruise, Baby Girl said he studies something called Scientology and that’s what gives him his healthy glow.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Carol, I believe I truly understand your concern. It is not so much the false advertising issue – because even as moral as you are you must realize that sort of thing occurs all the time – this situation could very well cause Ethel to proclaim her superiority even more…meaning her diva status could become unbearable and that level of fame will certainly impact all of you. I see you all being dragged into the mix as lackeys for Ethel…and complete disruption for your family. I sincerely hope that Ms. Rice does not meet her demands…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. One of your very best, Carol; I am forwarding it to my mother as part of her birthday present. By the way, you are much, much better than Prozac; I sense that Ms. Rice is simply afraid of the competition. Why pay for pills when we can experience you for free?

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Wow, I didn’t know doggies and cats can take human pills! Very interesting to read. And Carol it is always such a joy to read your writing.

    I have to say though…if anyone tried to take meat away from my diet, I will NOT be happy. In fact, I will do everything in my power to keep meat in my belly! It’s good for me and very tasty too!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! Yes, we can take some human pills – thank goodness! Walter’s still a mess, but he was far worse before his Prozac! And I agree about the meat. Besides, we cats are carnivores. Baby Girl’s very smart, but I’m afraid that in this case she’s been blinded by Gwyneth Paltrow’s charisma.

      Like

  6. Carol–excellent post–and way too funny, I might add! Just a riot! And getting a true picture of Walter….no, he does not look like a pack leader. Any thoughts of that I might have had are diminished. Truly, I don’t think Ethel will be hearing back from Mrs Rice, but that’s not for me to say…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! Walter is definitely NOT the Pack Leader. I’m not so sure LOUD Mom is, either, but I’m not going to be the one to tell her that! I certainly hope Ethel doesn’t receive a response — she’ll be insufferable!!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Yikes! That picture of Ethel scared me into hiding for a minute. I think you were right to want to tell Ms. Rice thanks but no thanks. It’s too bad Ethel wouldn’t listen. Oh dear. I hope I don’t have to hear her singing on TV in the near future!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are very welcome. Mr. Henri graciously allows himself to be quoted free of charge. I think he believes, to quote Marx, that “work performed for money is an activity which abstracts from the total man [sic], making an expression of life an alienation of life…” Though I do understand that the thieving filmmaker, who exploits Henri’s sophisticated musings, is open to negotiations.

      Liked by 1 person

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  10. hello carol its dennis the vizsla dog hay wot??? is eli lilly planning to mayk a chooabul prozac agin??? i yoozed to tayk rekonsile and it wuz delishus but then they diskontinyood it and now i hav to tayk the hyooman wun!!! i git it in liver pate wot mama mayks for me and do not git me rong that is also delishus but it seems like a dog or cat spesifik pil wood be the way for them to go if they want to git more dogs and cats to tayk it!!! ennyway gud luck gitting the gig!!! ok bye

    Liked by 1 person

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