Last week my sister, Ethel, sent off a letter to Ms. Rice of Eli Lilly in response to Ms. Rice’s interest in working with Ethel to promote their product, Prozac. Today, the mail carrier delivered Ms. Rice’s response.
I received your letter detailing a list of demands which must be met in order to work with you. While we think you would be an excellent fit to market our product, Prozac, to cats, I am afraid that we cannot meet your demands.
First, asking your moms to re-home your brother, Steve, is cruel, even by our standards. Second, we want humans to listen to our commercial, not think they have a starving cat trapped under their floorboards – singing your lines is absolutely out of the question. Finally, we could probably meet your demand of having your former water bowl returned to use; however, as a cat owner myself, I sympathize with your moms’ frustration over messy spills and wet paw prints tracked around the house. So that one’s out, too.
I’m not sure if you are aware, but your letter included a note at the bottom from your brother, Steve. He indicated that he is interested in allowing us to use his abs in our marketing. His abs are quite impressive. We happen to have a new Feline Growth Hormone in the trial stage at this time and are open to discussions with him. Could you please have him forward us a modeling portfolio to share with our producer and art director?
This is not going to be pretty.