(Not So) Wordless Wednesday

Sequoia-02_profile-circleSteve MUST go. He’s a no-good, two-timing, double-crossing miscreant. I knew it the day I met him. I saw right through him and his “dumb” act. He may have everyone else snowed – especially Carol – but I KNOW. I’m onto him. And his stealing MY commercial right out from under me is the last straw. 

ethel-letter-prozac

Ever since the letter from Eli Lilly came wanting to use him [and NOT me!] in their advertisements, he’s been strutting around the house making everyone poke his abs to see how hard they are. Flaunting his treachery without even a hint of shame. How dare he!

Disgusting.

Disgusting.

No one here appreciates my God-given talent. Fifteen years of blessing this household with my angelic singing voice and what do I have to show for it? A fancy water bowl? No, my moms took that away.

ethel-bowl-favorite

A nice, comfy bed fit for a queen? No, Violet gets that because she’s old and sick. Well, what am I? Is 15 not old? And do I not suffer?

violet-bed

Old and sick and milking it for all it’s worth.

I’m going to find a new home where I am valued, where my talent can be nurtured, where I will have the opportunity to grow as an artist. A home where Steve doesn’t live. They can keep him here to corrupt this household with his thug values and ridiculous rock hard abs.

Where will I go, you ask? To California to live with my mentor and idol, Barbra Streisand. Yes, I know she prefers furry beasts. But she hasn’t met me.

streisand-dog

Once she hears my voice, I am certain I will win her over. My only concern is that I’ve heard rumors that Streisand is known to become testy with singers that are better than her, so I’ll have to hold back a little. But why should I hold back? I’ve held back for 15 years. No, living with Streisand won’t work.

That’s okay, I’ll go to Chicago and live with Oprah. I almost was a guest on her show. She’s the most famous human in the world, so she won’t feel threatened by my talent.

Ethel-Oprah-dream-bubble

I do have one reservation, however: Baby Girl. That oddball friend of Carol’s worships Oprah. I wasted days that I could have been rehearsing reading that ridiculous book, The Secret. Where did Baby Girl learn about The Secret? Oprah.

ethel-secret

I’ll tell you The Secret. The Secret is that this book is a bunch of crap.

And then there was that horrifying rebirthing exercise where Baby Girl wrapped me up like a burrito and told me to channel my “inner kitten.” I told Baby Girl where she could shove her “inner kitten,” which only upset Carol. I’m pretty sure Baby Girl got the rebirthing idea from Dr. Phil. And who else listens to Dr. Phil? Oprah.

rebirthing_ethel

Never again will I take advice from Carol and her weirdo friend, Baby Girl.

No, Oprah’s out. I do love RuPaul and her costumes, but Steve says that he and RuPaul have a lot in common, so I’m not taking my chances there. Anyone that might have something in common with Steve is out. Besides, humans call RuPaul a Queen and I don’t want that kind of competition.

What could Steve and RuPaul possibly have in common?

What could Steve and RuPaul possibly have in common?

Looks like I’m stranded in this godforsaken place with that hoodlum Steve. Unless you have room for me? I don’t eat a lot [I’m watching my figure] and will provide you with hours of musical entertainment.

45 thoughts on “(Not So) Wordless Wednesday

  1. Ethel, I’d love to guest you for a bit, but my old kitty is just as tough to live with as Violet, plus she’s pretty territorial now days. Is there any way you could get a ride to the next audition for The Voice (do you know that TV show?). If you get chosen, and I’m sure you will, those famous people would most likely let you live in a mansion with them, which would completely fit your personality and status.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I don’t recall hearing about The Voice until now! I think they conspire against me – they’re all jealous. Thank you for this new information.

      I am much better suited to mansion life. Though I’m skeptical about sharing it with others that have less talent than myself. I suppose that’s not so different than where I live now. At least that worthless Steve wouldn’t be there. Thank you!

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    • Thank you! I’ll pack my costumes and fancy water bowl and will do my best to steal the bed from Violet. [First I’ll have to kick her out – which I do on a regular basis when my moms aren’t looking]. When I get to your house I’ll need a karaoke machine, filtered water, and special very expensive prescription diet food [which, as I said, I don’t eat much of in order to stay trim]. Oh, and I take a series of supplements [I have some minor gastrointestinal issues which probably stem from the stress Steve causes me]. I think that’s all! Thank you, again!!

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  2. Are you sure moving out is such a good idea ?? surely plotting your revenge such be a top priority after all the saying is ‘keep your friends close but your enemies closer still’ would I be right in thinking your board and lodgings are all inclusive at your ‘Hotel California’ in fact why not write to Don Henley of the Eagles and see if he will do the backing track on a cover version, with you on vocals I’m sure he’d jump at the chance to jump start his career

    Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks for the tip! And you promise these aren’t REAL eagles? Because my moms already worry about a hawk snatching Eggnog from the yard. I don’t want to become an eagle’s evening meal.

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    • Well, there is some truth to that saying. That’s food for thought. And who is this Don Henley? I find Eagles a little intimidating – they’ve been known to fly off with cats. But I trust you wouldn’t send me into harm’s way, so I’ll look into it. Thank you!

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      • Don Henley was the drummer & lead vocalist for the Eagles (back in the day) as his net worth is only $200 million I feel you ought to give the chap a helping hand.
        Now he’s not as famous as your good-self, but I’m sure your charitable work in helping a fellow musician will give added kudos in the community 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      • So long has no live Eagles are involved, I’d be more than happy to help Mr. Henley. Sounds like he needs all the help he can get!

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  3. Ethel, I wish you good fortune with your singing career. Since you seem physically stuck where you are, is there any possibility that you could change things by the way you think about them?

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s what Walter always tells me – if I change my thinking, I’ll change my mood. So I tried that once to get him to shut up. It didn’t work. Not only did my mood not change, but he still hasn’t shut up! I do appreciate your [attempt to] help, though. Thank you!

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  4. Gosh Ethel, it’s tempting believe me…….you and I are about the same age, but I prefer QUIET around my house (I get upset when the doorbell rings or the microwave beeps) so singing might send me over the edge and I’m close enough to the edge as it is. I’m thinking you might take Mr. Charles up on his offer of a home with his three wild boys. You’d have them whipped into shape in NO time!

    Hugs, Sammy

    Liked by 2 people

    • I understand needing quiet, Sammy. I prefer to have quiet when I rehearse. But living with furry beasts they sometimes start howling when I sing. It’s VERY annoying.

      And I’m not so certain I want to whip any boys into shape. Though if they have any vocal talent, I might be able to use them as back-up singers. I hadn’t thought of that until just now. Thank you, Sammy!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. That is one cool kitty bed! No, you definitely can’t live with any celebrity, you’d upstage them all with your gorgeous voice and beauty – their egos just can’t handle such heavy competition. You could live with me, although my mom says I’m not good at sharing my toys…or my bed… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for recognizing my talent and star status! It sounds as though both of us like to get our way, so I’m not sure there’s enough room for us in the same house! Might you be interested in adopting a ten pound black and white male cat who obsesses over his abs and recently joined a gang?

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  6. Well, Ethel, as much as I am sure Broadway would welcome your singular talents (as it did your namesake Ms. Merman), the Guy is allergic to cats. Besides, there is room enough for only one singer in this apartment, and as I’m sure Carol told you, I am an accomplished blues artist.
    You know, some musical acts have had better luck finding an audience in Europe before they do stateside. Have you considered reaching out to the German market?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello, Albert. I’ve heard all about you from Carol. She went on and on about how smart, witty, and vocally talented you are. I cannot attest to the last two, but your idea to test out the German market is good, particularly since LOUD Mom has family in Germany. How can a country that worships the musical prowess of David Hasselhoff not appreciate me? Thank you for giving me another avenue to explore!

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Oh dear, Ethel. That’s quite a situation you’re in! I understand your desire to find a new home. Maybe you should sit back, relax, and watch the Wizard of Oz. It might just remind you that no matter how crazy your home life might be, “There’s no place like home.”

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  8. I count on your candor and perspicacity, Ethel, and you never disappoint. Thank you especially for this: “I’ll tell you The Secret. The Secret is that this book is a bunch of crap.”

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ethel–you’re too good for any of them. Don’t let them know you’re ticked off. Laugh it off; keep them guessing. This just wasn’t meant to be. Onto the next greatest thing–it’ll happen!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ethel, I know that you’re upset with Steve but your family would miss you if you left. I like the suggestion of you going on The Voice. I love that show and think that Christina Aguilera would be a great mentor for you. She is petite but has a big voice and she has a real sense of fashion. Maybe your moms could even get you the movie “Burlesque” in which she starred with another great chanteuse, Cher. I see a recording contract and movie deal in your future. Don’t lose hope!

    Liked by 3 people

    • I do love Cher! Like Barbra, she’s what we insiders call a double threat. But I haven’t seen this Burlesque. It sounds like it would have wonderful costume ideas. I doubt my moms will do anything to help further my career, though LOUD Mom does sometimes rehearse with me – I’ll ask her for the movie.

      And I’m looking into this Voice thing as it sounds promising! Thank you for your support – it’s very refreshing when my spirit here is so stifled.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ethel I can tell you that the costumes are fabulous in Burlesque as is the singing. I think you’ll love it and the lead character just wants a singing career and to be taken seriously for her talent. (Sound familiar?) good luck and don’t give up on your dreams.

        Liked by 1 person

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