Hello, this is The General. With limited access to the computer this past week, I missed my chance at Wordless Wednesday. Carol told me I’d have to wait until next week, but I managed to commandeer the computer while she’s off being nosy – or as she calls it, “making observations.” Yes, it was technically Walter’s turn to host Wordless Wednesday, but, as you’ll see, I have more pressing matters to present – matters that cannot wait.
The issue at hand is the inadequate location of my troop basket – which our moms condescendingly refer to as the “toy” basket.
Several days ago, I submitted a formal written request for relocation of the basket to the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the Household Headquarters, but have not received a response. Quite possibly the issue is mired in a bureaucratic stranglehold (for the lay-dog or cat, that means my moms are still discussing it).
As you can see from the diagram below, my access to the basket is limited to only one side. I need free access to all angles of the basket, so that I may pull the appropriate soldier for the mission at hand.
If I were a lightweight like Walter, I could squeeze through to reach the other side (where I often see Carol listening and “making observations”). But, as you may be aware, I am a canine of substantial girth, so this is not feasible.
Not only does the current location limit access to my troops, it also causes delays. I must rifle through the basket, wasting time and energy pulling out a number of soldiers until I get just the right one. This affects my punctuality and aggravates Walter, who just wants me to hurry up so he can go outside to potty. Often I am forced to leave soldiers behind in the interest of keeping time – a wholly unacceptable measure.
I’ve given this matter much thought and would like to present what I consider to be optimal locations for the basket’s relocation:
LOCATION #1 – The Center of the Living Room
Obviously the best choice, placing the basket in the center of the living room allows access to all sides. Additionally, there is enough clearance that one can march with the troops in any direction, unlimited by obstructions.
LOCATION #2 – The Middle of the Kitchen
Almost as good as Location #1, the middle of the kitchen allows access to all sides and has decent clearance. One benefit is that the kitchen is centrally located between the living room and sunroom. The downside, however, is that I am a messy drinker, and with the water fountain in close proximity there is an increased likelihood that overflow and dribble may flood the troops.
LOCATION #3 – Beside the End Table
Not as ideal due to obstructions within close proximity, this location still permits access to all sides. Yes, Carol’s track would need to be relocated because, at the current time, it is situated here. However, our moms should not encourage Carol’s addiction to the track by making it so easily accessible.
If this site is chosen for my troop basket, I recommend relocating Carol’s track to where my basket is currently situated or, more preferably, under the sofa.
Once a new site is selected, we will need to install surveillance. Eggnog steals and caches the soldiers’ rations [aka chewies]. This is not permissible and, should she continue, I will be forced to have her court martialed.
As the newly anointed house thug, Steve offered to guard my troop basket. For obvious reasons, Steve cannot be trusted. First, his abs are no match for Eggnog’s drive to abscond with the troops’ rations. Second, Steve is lazy. He wouldn’t even participate in Carol’s little catsercise regimen. Do you think he has the stamina to stand at attention for hours on end? And, third, Steve’s a cat. He’ll nap on the job.
The protection of my soldiers and their rations is too important a matter to be left in the paws of Steve. What we need is a video surveillance system equipped with alarms. As such, I’m accepting proposals and bids from surveillance installation contractors through the end of next week. No late bids, please.
As you can see, the current situation is dire, particularly since a response from the Joint Chiefs of Staff has not been forthcoming. If you happen to know the Joint Chiefs, I ask that you apply pressure on them to right this wrong.
Very best regards,