Conscious UnCoupling

My brother, Steve, is insufferable. He won’t stop talking about how he’s the next Bachelor. When I try to bring a dose of reality [reality reality, not television reality!], he says I’m just jealous because he’s more popular than me. Whatever!

Steve, The Bachelor? Give me a break!

Steve, The Bachelor? Give me a break!

Anyway, at least Ethel’s still tolerable thanks to her online love affair with Arnold. She is reluctantly working with our neighbor, Baby Girl, to win Arnold’s heart. After the debacle with The Secret, Ethel swore she’d never listen to Baby Girl again. But I guess being in love makes you do strange things.

Baby Girl, a certified Life Coach, just finished studying her guru Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest lessons which were published in what Baby Girl called a “very respectable journal.”

Baby Girl's mentor.

Baby Girl’s mentor.

Baby Girl told Ethel that what she needs is a full mind/body makeover. I know that if I were going to let anyone make over my mind/body, it would be Baby Girl. She’s the smartest cat I know!

baby-girl_life-coach-bc

I wish I had business cards like Baby Girl.

For starters, Baby Girl says that Ethel needs to chill out if she ever wants Arnold to commit. So she started Ethel on Gwyneth Paltrow’s meditation plan. That’s right, Ethel is meditating. At least I guess you could call it that – if you consider sleeping in the closet on a pile of laundry meditating.

Ethel-closet-laundry

Even Ethel’s meditation face scares me.

It doesn’t sound like meditation, however, when Ethel opens her eyes to see Steve parked two feet outside the closet door… watching!

Baby Girl also wants Ethel to look in the mirror three times a day and repeat the following mantra: “I am beautiful and radiate light from within.” Ethel radiates something, but it’s not light!

Besides, I don’t think Ethel gets the point of Baby Girl’s exercise. I heard her this morning and she had changed the mantra to: “I am beautiful and radiate light from within. Steve is ugly and full of sh*t and should go live somewhere else.”

I wonder if I should report my observation to Baby Girl?

Anyway, the only reason Ethel went along with Baby Girl’s exercises was because Baby Girl promised to give her flirting tips to win Arnold’s heart. Lucky for Ethel, Baby Girl is also a relationship expert. [For her Life Coaching certification, Baby Girl specialized in Relationship Coaching. I told you Baby Girl is smart!]

Baby Girl gave Ethel her list of six tips to catch yourself a handsome Tom. [Adapted from another of the journals to which Baby Girl’s mom subscribes.] 

cosmo

Unfortunately, most of Baby Girl’s ideas require Arnold to be in the same house as Ethel. Needless to say, Ethel was most displeased. But of course Baby Girl had an answer: Find a way to get Arnold here, or Ethel there.

I wonder if Arnold would like to be a contestant on The Bachelor?

30 thoughts on “Conscious UnCoupling

  1. Carol–when I say I was laughing the entire way through this, I mean that in the nicest possible way. And you know how some people are book smart and others are street smart? I’m not sure I have figured out which one Baby Girl is. I know she is trying to help Ethel, but I don’t know that she’s got that all figured out correctly. Yes, Ethel’s meditation does need a bit of work, doesn’t it?

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m glad you enjoyed the post! Ethel definitely needs to work on her meditation. Baby Girl says she has a few more tricks up her sleeve. [One involves fire and another uses crystals!]

      And speaking of Baby Girl, she’s SO smart, isn’t she?! I don’t know about book smart or street smart – I think Baby Girl’s just smart smart. Or at least that’s what she tells me!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Well, I know you don’t want to hear this Carol but if I had to chose a bachelor (considering the ones I’ve seen on TV) it would be Steve. Please don’t tell him I said that as we don’t want it to go to his head…..but he is gorgeous lying there with that rose.
    But then you would be a lovely lady with the rose too….maybe you’re the next bachelorette?

    Liked by 3 people

  3. This whole thing has me thinking that someone (who shall be unnamed) has a gold mine just waiting to be explored – a new mag for cats with advice/etc. called “CATMO”. Yep – certainly Baby Girl could have an advice/tips column……Steve could do a series on what it’s like to be the next Bachelor…….Ethel could do an on-line dating “dos and don’ts”……….the pawsibilities are endless……..As for you Carol, I see “editor” on that business card of yours (you WILL need business cards of course). I’m seeing fame and fortune……the fortune means you can get your own condo and move out of that crazy house of yours……..sounds pretty good yes?

    Hugs, Sammy

    Liked by 3 people

    • Carol, Editor-in-Chief… I like the sound of that! Move over Anna Wintour. I’ll bet she’s shaking in her Manolo Blahnik boots!

      Thank you, Sammy! Since you came up with such a great idea, how would you like to be the advice columnist?

      Like

  4. Carol, why is no one telling Ethel that she doesn’t need a Tom to be fulfilled? It is not the lack of male influence in her life, and Baby Girl introducing Cosmo-like ‘tips’ is degrading. I understand that Ethel is seeking- something – but defining her happiness in terms of this Tom (Arnold) !!!! (sorry that was inadvertent, but hilarious actually) is just wrong and I can’t keep quiet anymore. Someone needs to get her some feminist theory articles and some essays on gender equality and empowerment and get the Cosmo tips out of her life.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Ha, Tom Arnold! Eww!! It’s funny you mention this about Ethel because I’ve noticed that she uses feminist theory selectively. She quotes Andrea Dworkat when she wants Steve banished to an island, but then she conveniently forgets her feminism when she wants a Tom’s attention! I would talk to her about this, but she scares me a little!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Might I suggest a thorough, factual and not-pushy tome for Ethel…”Women’s Voices, Feminist Visions” by Susan Shaw and Janet Lee. Grab one of your moms credit cards and have it sent directly to Ethel from Amazon…anonymously.
        Perhaps it will help Ethel get past this need to intimidate others and allow her to find herself and her true path.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Send it anonymously – good thinking! Maybe I should run this by Baby Girl first? I don’t want to interfere with her plan. But what the heck! It’s just a book. Thanks, Deb!

        Like

  5. Steve, the next Bachelor? Ethel meditating? OMG. I can’t imagine how you can keep from laughing or crying some days. Thank heavens for your friendship with Baby Girl who can help you deal with her wisdom and perspective. Perhaps you should let Baby Girl know that Ethel has changed her mantra. She certainly isn’t getting any more “zen” in her campaign to get rid of Steve.
    Good luck Carol, I look forward to the next update! Namaste.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, thank goodness for Baby Girl! I don’t know what we’d do without her. [I don’t care what Eggnog says!]

      So you think that I should tell Baby Girl about Ethel’s revised mantra? This morning I overheard Ethel saying her mantra and she’d changed it again – took out the whole first half and was only chanting the part about Steve! I sure don’t envy Baby Girl – bringing inner peace and harmony to Ethel seems like a lost cause to me!!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Steve THINKS he’s going to be the next Bachelor! In his dreams, I say!! [And while your compliment is nice, I likely won’t pass it along to Steve as it will inflate his already over-inflated ego :-)]

      Like

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