My brother, Steve, is insufferable. He won’t stop talking about how he’s the next Bachelor. When I try to bring a dose of reality [reality reality, not television reality!], he says I’m just jealous because he’s more popular than me. Whatever!
Anyway, at least Ethel’s still tolerable thanks to her online love affair with Arnold. She is reluctantly working with our neighbor, Baby Girl, to win Arnold’s heart. After the debacle with The Secret, Ethel swore she’d never listen to Baby Girl again. But I guess being in love makes you do strange things.
Baby Girl, a certified Life Coach, just finished studying her guru Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest lessons which were published in what Baby Girl called a “very respectable journal.”
Baby Girl told Ethel that what she needs is a full mind/body makeover. I know that if I were going to let anyone make over my mind/body, it would be Baby Girl. She’s the smartest cat I know!
For starters, Baby Girl says that Ethel needs to chill out if she ever wants Arnold to commit. So she started Ethel on Gwyneth Paltrow’s meditation plan. That’s right, Ethel is meditating. At least I guess you could call it that – if you consider sleeping in the closet on a pile of laundry meditating.
It doesn’t sound like meditation, however, when Ethel opens her eyes to see Steve parked two feet outside the closet door… watching!
Baby Girl also wants Ethel to look in the mirror three times a day and repeat the following mantra: “I am beautiful and radiate light from within.” Ethel radiates something, but it’s not light!
Besides, I don’t think Ethel gets the point of Baby Girl’s exercise. I heard her this morning and she had changed the mantra to: “I am beautiful and radiate light from within. Steve is ugly and full of sh*t and should go live somewhere else.”
I wonder if I should report my observation to Baby Girl?
Anyway, the only reason Ethel went along with Baby Girl’s exercises was because Baby Girl promised to give her flirting tips to win Arnold’s heart. Lucky for Ethel, Baby Girl is also a relationship expert. [For her Life Coaching certification, Baby Girl specialized in Relationship Coaching. I told you Baby Girl is smart!]
Baby Girl gave Ethel her list of six tips to catch yourself a handsome Tom. [Adapted from another of the journals to which Baby Girl’s mom subscribes.]
Unfortunately, most of Baby Girl’s ideas require Arnold to be in the same house as Ethel. Needless to say, Ethel was most displeased. But of course Baby Girl had an answer: Find a way to get Arnold here, or Ethel there.
I wonder if Arnold would like to be a contestant on The Bachelor?