My brother, Walter, is one strange bird interviewing himself like that [click here if you missed his guest blog post]. But I suppose that should come as no surprise. Our neighbor, Baby Girl, is still working with my sister, Ethel, on this whole meditation thing. I think she should just give up, but Baby Girl says, “Winners never quit, and quitters never win.” Where does she come up with this stuff?! She’s just SO smart.
The problem is that Ethel now insists that she must meditate in our person that’s away at college [but home for the summer]’s bedroom. Alone. All of the time. Ethel says the room has the best natural daylight and most spirit lifting colors. According to Ethel, our person that’s away at college has given her full, private access to the room.
Maybe it’s true. Ever since our person came home, I noticed Ethel buttering her up. She follows our person everywhere. If our person goes to the bathroom, Ethel sits outside the door. When our person makes herself lunch, Ethel’s at her feet in the kitchen. At dinnertime, Ethel sits across the room and fixedly stares at her. As soon as our person’s back upstairs in her bedroom, Ethel thunk-thunk-thunks her way up the stairs and shows up in the doorway meowing. But what’s strange is that I notice our person rolling her eyes at Ethel and saying things like, “Why are you following me?!”, “Are you in my room AGAIN?!”, and “Stop staring at me – it’s creepy!” This is all very irritating, though, because our person’s room is MY favorite place to observe the neighborhood – and I CAN’T GET IN THERE. Since our person is away at college most of the year and keeps her door closed, this summer is my ONLY chance!
I already have to fight with Walter for access to the room. He claims that HE’S our person that’s away at college’s favorite, so only he should get to be in her room. Unlike Ethel, however, Walter’s a pushover and I can usually convince him to share a pillow with me.
I must figure out a way to keep Ethel out of our person’s bedroom – but I’m going to need help. First I approached my brother, Steve. All he has to do is look at Ethel and she gets mad. Maybe he could re-enact the scene that got our moms away from the computer – you know, charge Ethel and pounce on her. Heck, he could just lay in the doorway to our person’s room and Ethel wouldn’t step over him. Plus, that takes zero effort on Steve’s part [you know how lazy he can be]. But when I asked for Steve’s help, all he wanted to talk about was his supposed stint as the next Bachelor. He was trying to decide if he should wear some of Ethel’s costumes, let Eggnog style him, or go back to his trusty leather outfit since that one seems popular with the fellas on POF [Plenty of Felines]. I don’t have time for Steve’s delusions of grandeur, as Walter calls them. Next I asked Eggnog if she would consider relocating her cache of stolen chewies to the bottom of the steps. If we could barricade the staircase, Ethel couldn’t get upstairs to go in our person’s room! I was proud of myself for that idea! But Eggnog said that Sherman and Walter would just take the chewies if she kept them out in the open. She apparently has no choice but to cache them in her bed.
Eggnog suggested that I talk to Sherman [aka The General]. Perhaps he could deploy his troops? What an excellent idea! I cautiously approached The General. [One false move and it turns into a not-so-fun game of chase.] He grunted as he lifted his head from one of his troops. I explained the situation and asked if he would be so kind as to volunteer his troops to guard the border to the upstairs. With such a large cavalry, they could certainly keep Ethel out. The General jumped down from the sofa and ambled toward the stairs. He looked up, then back at his troop basket. After giving several minutes of consideration to my request, The General agreed, but not without hesitation. He indicated that he would locate the bulk of his forces at the bottom of the staircase. Then he would station the remainder strategically along the steps. The General’s primary concern was that Ethel will attempt to climb over the frontline soldiers, potentially crushing them with her sagging gut – not unlike Godzilla ravaging Tokyo.
Secondarily, he worried that if Ethel makes it past the frontlines, she may trip on the strategically stationed troops, rolling down the stairs, and maiming everyone in her path. Given that recruitment is down [i.e., our moms told The General he already has too many toys – sorry, I mean troops – and doesn’t need more], Sherman claims his forces cannot afford to sustain any losses. Nonetheless, The General agreed to provide assistance. He said his troops could use an exercise like this – he’s concerned that without such paws-on experience they’ll get soft. So we’re off to strategize and see if we can get any of the others on board. Wish us luck!