Hello, this is The General. If you’ve followed recent events here, you’re aware of the valiant effort my troops sustained to keep my sister, Ethel, out of our person that’s away at college’s bedroom. You also know that their effort was for naught thanks to human intervention [i.e., LOUD Mom carrying Ethel to the room herself]. In thanks for their selflessness, Carol asked me to dedicate a guest blog post to my troops.
I would like to introduce to you some of the bravest soldiers amongst my ranks. Their sacrifice and bravery in the face of a formidable foe [i.e., Ethel] are remarkable.
This, however, was not the worst that Sgt. Dan has endured during his long career.
Sergeant Dan began his life in China. Confined to a box, shipped across the ocean, he found himself hanging from a string embedded in his head in a place called PetSmart. There he remained, day in and day out, until my moms “rescued” him.When Sgt. Dan arrived at our house, I was concerned for his mental health and his physical fitness. I knew a place in The Army of Creekview Drive was just what the doctor ordered!
Though he still suffers flashbacks and occasionally overwhelming survivor guilt for the buddies left behind at PetSmart, Sergeant Dan is doing remarkably well. He’s a hard worker and one of my most reliable soldiers.
Favorite TV Show: Three’s Company
After being evicted from their home – The Stump – by Eggnog, the chipmunks found themselves orphaned and homeless.
Concerned for their well-being, I considered contacting Chipmunk Protective Services [CPS], but worried they’d become lost in a bureaucratic abyss. That’s when I decided to give them a place in The Army of Creekview Drive. Though they’re young and restless and require significant supervision, watching these little chipmunks grow into mature, disciplined soldiers is one of the great joys of my career.
Favorite Movie: Star Trek First Contact (they think the Borg are very cool)
Colonel Levi Sanders
Colonel Sanders (no relation to the perpetrator of the ongoing international poultry genocide) is an old Army buddy of mine. Sanders retired years ago, but continues to be my most trusted advisor (when he’s not three sheets to the wind).
If you want to be entertained, sit down with Colonel Sanders for a few minutes and he’ll regale you with stories. From rescuing injured unstuffed soldiers on the frontlines to doing the tango with a rubber alligator in a Havana cafe to stealthily smuggling chewies away from Eggnog’s bed, one thing Colonel Sanders is not: A chicken.
Favorite Food: Willett Bourbon
Second Favorite Food: Bulleit Bourbon
Lieutenant Grigori Novak
My only experienced pilot, Lt. Novak has migrated around the world. He came to us by way of a canvas bag frequently inhabited by my brother, Steve.
Novak is one of the most selfless soldiers I’ve ever met. He’s taken the chipmunks under his wing, serving as their mentor and surrogate father. When Novak learned about the abuses Sergeant Dan endured, he became an advocate for Prisoners of PetSmart [P.O.P.] and is actively involved in outreach efforts and rescue missions. I wish I had a hundred more Lieutenant Novaks in my ranks.
Favorite TV Channel: The Food Network (except when preparing duck dishes)
Rick aspires to be admitted to the ranks of The Army of Creekview Drive, and after the bravery he demonstrated, rushing down the stairs to the aid of Sergeant Dan as he was being crushed by Ethel, he just may get his wish.
Rick’s a hometown dinosaur, and some of my other soldiers harass him for that, saying he’s nothing but a country bumpkin. They brag to him about the battles they’ve seen and the places they’ve been, but the only place Rick’s been is a hollow in Eastern Kentucky. I see promise in Rick and think he’d be a great asset to my brigade.
Favorite Color: Orange
Thank you for reading this tribute to my troops. Your support is invaluable in maintaining the morale of my men!*
* Please note, I would like to address any accusations of misogyny that may be raised against me for having an all-male battalion. Rest assured, the absence of females is coincidental and not reflective of a male-centric bias on my part. I am actively recruiting female infantry, artillery, and cavalry experts. Interested parties please respond below. Thank you.