As the neighborhood’s Spiritual Guide and Life Coach, I have grave concerns about certain incidents at Carol’s house, and I feel compelled to communicate with the sentient beings of the outside world; that is, you dear readers.
How is it that I have undertaken to guest blog (I prefer electronically guide you) is a question you may be asking yourselves. Your ingratitude in even questioning my presence is evident but forgiven, so I will answer: I am contacting you through the help of Carol’s handsome brother, Steve. Under the current circumstances, I could not seek Carol’s permission (I prefer the term blessing) to guide you and so sought out dear Steve’s assistance.
Why would Steve assist me in sharing my personal word with you? He did this in exchange for my willingness to pass a note from him to my brother, Willow. Once I delivered the note to Willow, Steve shared the password to Carol’s blog with me.
As you know, I am Carol’s most trusted advisor and mentor. We share a deep history, Carol and I. When her brother, Steve, was torn asunder after my brother, Willow, dumped him, Carol came to me for help. Through my Vision Board exercise, Steve was able to imagine other possibilities.
I do not deny that the stick-legged one, Walter, criticized my methodology. But he is a furry beast after all, and an anxious one at that.
As a matter of fact, I am writing a treatise on breathing exercises for Walter that will fix all of his problems, at least once he accepts that I can fix his life because he doesn’t know how.
Even you can do these exercises, readers. Together now: Breathe in deeply, hold for 15 seconds. Exhale, forcing all of your negative feelings away from your mind and your body. Reach your paws (or hands) up to the sky and take in the energy provided by our mother sun. Feel better? Yes, you do. And now I do, too.
Another way in which I provided spiritual and intellectual assistance to them was when Carol’s sister, Ethel, needed guidance to pursue her dream of becoming the feline Barbra Streisand. It was my recommendation of The Secret that changed Ethel’s life for the better.
And when chaos erupted last Spring, whose innovative Rebirthing exercise channeled the household’s out-of-control energies into more useful outlets? That’s right, MINE. (Sometimes I amaze myself at my insight and ability to manage those who are not enlightened enough to manage themselves…it is a cross I bear willingly to help those in need.)
Anyway, just as I was making progress most recently with Ethel—bestowing upon her my patented meditation teachings—Carol intervened with a fabricated letter about cleaning inventions.
And before that, Carol and that beast, The General, even utilized guerrilla practices at one time to bar Ethel physically from accessing the room. I was aghast when I heard about it and had to immediately ingest a colonic to cleanse myself.
Why would Carol engage in such base and unseemly practices? Why would she turn against all of my teachings? Supposedly because Ethel would not let Carol in their person that’s away at college [but home for the summer]’s bedroom. I had advised Ethel to use that room as an integral part of her meditation practice – it’s the one place where she could center herself in solitude.
I explained this to Carol. But she did not listen. (Breathe in deeply. Hold. Exhale. Feel better? Yes, you do.)
I am very disappointed in Carol. Why did she not come to me for guidance rather than concocting such a provincial prank with that letter, especially after the beastly military endeavor? I could have helped her reframe and accept her situation for the greater good of all.
Please excuse me for one moment while I align my chakras….My apologies for the interruption.
I find this situation deeply upsetting. I suspect Carol is pulling away from me for subconscious reasons. It does not help that her sister, Eggnog, dislikes me simply because she’s too shallow to understand my practices, not to mention the subterfuge of the stick-legged one to “deconstruct” my spiritual pedagogy.
I will need to fathom a way to effect a conscious spiritual re-coupling with Carol to bring order back into their lives. More simply put for you dear sentient readers: fix Carol’s and the rest of their lives, because clearly, they still do not know how regardless of my previous efforts.
This will require new and perhaps more extreme measures beyond what I advised or administered previously. I will consult with my guru, Gwyneth Paltrow, whose GOOP guide continues to bring me to a new level of mindfulness and self-discovery every day.
I know I can do this. I can fix them. Because they need it and they need me, and eventually, I feel that they ALL will be grateful that I know what’s best for them.
Again, breathe in deeply, hold. Exhale, reach your paws to the sky and take in all of that beautiful positive energy I’m channeling to you. I am not the sun, but I’m the next best thing. Feel better? Yes you do. And now I do, too. Namaste.