Hello. For those of you that don’t know me, my name is Carol. I’m a cat and this is my blog. Tonight I am moderating a debate between my brothers, Walter and Sherman [aka The General], and our outside neighbor cat [and my personal mentor], Baby Girl. My sister, Eggnog, has graciously agreed to transcribe the debate, so it’s airing nearly Live!
After drawing twigs, the order was determined to be The General, Walter, and Baby Girl. I asked all of my participants to keep the discussion polite and respectful. After all, this is a family blog (and we’re having to do this quietly in the sun room so our moms don’t find out that I’ve let Baby Girl into the house).
Thank you for joining us… let’s get started!
CAROL: In 2012 the human President joked about protecting homeland borders with alligators and a moat. One of the candidates loved the idea, but also suggested adding a 20-foot barbed wire electrified fence. We have a fence around our yard, but it’s not electrified and I don’t even know what barbed wire is. How would you make our homeland more secure here on Creekview Drive?
SHERMAN: Hmm. Electrifying our fence isn’t a bad idea. Squirrels run along the top of the fence where Walter and I can’t reach them. I say let’s force them to the ground where we have a fighting chance! And while I think alligators are an unnecessary risk [besides, I don’t think our moms would let them stay], a moat couldn’t hurt. I would also station my troops at strategic locations around the perimeter of our territory and set up a “No Fly Zone” over our airspace. LOUD Mom would probably appreciate me keeping the starlings and grackles away!
WALTER: Unfortunately, General, you’d also be keeping all of the other birds away, which LOUD Mom would NOT appreciate. And a fence isn’t going to protect our land from that pesky mole that’s tunneling through our yard. No, what we need to do is build alliances. Our negotiations with the Springhill Ballers are a good start.
BABY GIRL: All this talk about fences and keeping creatures out rather than inviting everyone in saddens me. There should be no borders, no fences. We all should roam free, BE free. Free to explore our place in this miraculous universe we call home.
SHERMAN: Free to annoy us maybe…I tell you, if she ever tries to squeeze me into one of her patented “Rebirthing blankets” again, I’ll….
CAROL: Thank you, General, I think we get the idea, and please do not decry Baby Girl’s motivations to help us. She told me just the other day that our sister, Ethel, has been doing breathing exercises that she prescribed and, as a direct result, Ethel’s not as angry at our brother, Steve, anymore — or at least she’s not mad at him not right now.
Okay, next question. If our homeland is attacked by foreign cats and dogs, how would you protect Creekview Drive from these invading forces?
SHERMAN: I would mobilize my troops, which are always at the ready. And by the way, for those of you who were worried about Colonel Sanders, he’s on the mend. It’s going to take more than a cat’s flabby gut-curtain to crush a seasoned military bird like him!
WALTER: How would I ward off invaders? That’s easy: Send Ethel outside to sing for them. I anticipate an immediate retreat.
SHERMAN: On second thought, I like Walter’s plan.
BABY GIRL: I don’t like all of this talk about fighting and war. We need more peace and light in this world. Invite the invaders in, offer them salmon, peanut butter, and water sprinkled with my new herbal remedy, available for sale online this Fall: “Baby Girl’s All-Natural, Organic, Gluten-Free, Non-GMO, Quantum Detangling Whole Health Remedies.” Only through peaceful dialogue can we see our shared sacredness.
SHERMAN: See, it’s cats like her that get us into these messes in the first place. Organic, gluten free… Makes us look weak. I tell ya, give me a chewy anytime. A real dog’s meal.
WALTER: General, we’re talking about enemy forces, remember? Not your beloved chewies.
CAROL: Okay, moving on… Do you think all of us cats and dogs (and any other household animals) have an inherent right to see the vet?
SHERMAN: Inherent right? Absolutely not. Even my soldiers fend for themselves, bandaging their own wounds on the battlefield. Toughens them up!
CAROL: But, General, don’t you yourself take special supplements and receive regular medical supervision for an old leg injury? Wouldn’t you like others to get such thoughtful care?
SHERMAN: What does that have to do with anything?
CAROL: Okay, well, Walter, what do you think about veterinary care for all?
WALTER: Yes, Carol, I think every cat and dog has a right to FREE medical care [subsidized by our humans, of course]. Like The General, I benefit from excellent veterinary care. I get monthly heartworm medication and flea treatment in addition to daily vitamin supplements and… well, you get the idea.
WALTER: Thanks for that, General.
CAROL: Okay, things are getting a little out of paw here. What about you, Baby Girl?
BABY GIRL: First, Walter, you should try my new herbal supplement for your anxiety. It’s all natural and comes in 23 flavors. Combined with quantum biofeedback to reduce stressors in your body on an electro-magnetic level, you will feel better than ever. I also suggest breathing exercises – your breath provides basic life force energy. Do you even know how to breathe, Walter?! To answer your question, though, Carol, medicine is a racket. What we need is access to homeopathic remedies, particularly some of the new treatments and cures I have coming out this Fall in my new line, “Baby Girl’s All-Natural, Organic, Gluten-Free, Non-GMO, Quantum Detangling Whole Health Remedies.”
SHERMAN: Oh, brother….
CAROL: Many of our youth are hooked on catnip, joining gangs, and having kittens and puppies while they’re still kittens and puppies. They are our future. What can we do to stop the cycle?
SHERMAN: Force them all to enlist in my army for at least two years. Builds character and stops the funny business.
WALTER: Forcing our youth to enlist doesn’t resolve the socioeconomic underpinnings that create these problems, General. For starters, we need to get more of our youth fixed. That’ll solve the problem of babies having babies [and reduce the numbers that enter shelters!]. We also need to make sure everyone has a purpose. Whether that’s to brighten your humans’ day, protect a flock of sheep, or keep mice from nesting in the house, we all feel better about ourselves when we work to earn our keep!
BABY GIRL: If everyone would just listen to the wisdom I share, based on the teachings of my all-knowing guru Gwyneth Paltrow, we wouldn’t have catnip abuse, gang violence, or unwanted kittens and puppies. Oh, and did I mention my new line of herbal treatments that will be available online this Fall? “Baby Girl’s All-Natural, Organic, Gluten-Free, Non-GMO, Quantum Detangling Whole Health Remedies.”
CAROL: Yes, but thank you for the reminder, Baby Girl! Last question. It’s a well-known fact that some pets in this household receive treats, while others do not. What do you propose to create a more fair system where there are treats for all?
SHERMAN: There’s no treat problem. I get plenty of chewies and even get a taste of peanut butter in my kong every night at bedtime.
WALTER: Yes, we dogs get lots of treats, Carol. I have no idea what you’re talking about.BABY GIRL: Carol, you must reward yourself from within. Relying on external validation will leave you empty inside. Only spiritual nourishment, not Greenies, truly feeds your body AND soul.
CAROL: You’re SO smart, Baby Girl! Okay, thank you, participants. This has been a very insightful discussion. Wait a minute. What’s going on out there? Are those protestors???? Eggnog, stop typing. You’ve got to see this!