My apologies for cutting my last post off so quickly – I’m afraid things got a little out of control. You see, just as I was thanking my guests for their participation in my debate, I heard a scuffle in the kitchen. Following the noise, my eyes caught sight of a blur of black and white. Was that my brother, Steve? And what was that around his neck?!
Sure enough, looking more closely, there was Steve parading around on the other side of the door with a sign around his neck:
Coming up behind him was my sister, Ethel, with her own sign:
Seriously? My own siblings were protesting MY debate?!
Walking toward them, I nudged the door to the kitchen open with my nose to ask what was wrong. Steve started going on and on about how his creatine shakes have been diluted, causing his abs to turn soft and squishy. Now the fellas in the Springhill Ballers don’t take him seriously, and he hasn’t had a “Wink” on Plenty of Felines in weeks. I told him his abs are soft and squishy because he spends his days laying around! Drinking gallons of creatine shakes between naps is not going to create good abs. Besides, what do his abs have to do with my debate?!
Of course it was hard to talk to Steve over my sister, Ethel, screaming in my ear. Ethel claimed that she was unfairly excluded from my debate based on meaningless, subjective standards. Huh? Ethel doesn’t talk like that! Who had she been talking to? I had an idea…
Glancing back in the sunroom, I saw my brother, Walter, cowering on the sofa with his ears back and his tail between his legs. Guilty as charged!
Just as I was about to take Walter to task, The General spotted a squirrel taunting him from the window, and all hell broke loose. He and Walter ran back and forth barking orders for the squirrel to retreat. Of course the squirrel was no dummy – he knew they couldn’t get to him from inside – so he looked right at them, grabbed another sunflower seed, and started chewing.
Well, that really got the boys going!
Fearful that our moms would hear the commotion and catch my guest participant [and neighbor/mentor] Baby Girl in our house, I tried to usher her out. But the boys decided they wanted to use my top secret door to get outside to the squirrel. What a TERRIBLE idea!!! I tried to beat them to the door, but The General barreled past us… and got stuck. STUCK!Now what?! Soon enough our moms would be coming – and not only would they catch Baby Girl in the house, but they’d learn how I got her inside and make it so we could never use our secret entrance again! No more Rebirthing exercises with Baby Girl, no more rendezvousing with the Springhill Ballers for Steve. This was no good. We had to get The General unstuck! And FAST!!!
While Baby Girl chanted in Sanskrit in the corner counting her meditation beads, I eyed the sunroom for something – ANYTHING – that we could use to get The General out. That’s when I saw a tub of bark butter that LOUD Mom feeds the woodpeckers. [Even the woodpeckers get treats! The injustice!]
I instructed Walter – who by now was cowering in the corner, afraid of getting in trouble – to fetch the bark butter for me. Snapping out of his neurotic stupor, Walter dragged the tub over to me and I began to smear it all over The General’s generous girth.
Instinctively, I knew pushing would be easier than pulling, so I told Walter, Steve, and Ethel to PUSH on the count of three. One… two… three!!!
I smeared more bark butter and gave another count. One… two… THREE!
And out he went. Phew!
Next I guided Baby Girl, who was still chanting, out of the house as well. Just then I heard Little Mom’s footsteps in the kitchen, coming toward the sunroom where we were all panting, exhausted. Look busy! I meowed. All of us scattered in different directions as Little Mom appeared in the doorway.
“What was all of that noise about?!” she asked no one in particular. Ethel started screaming obscenities at Little Mom about what she allows to happen in this house, most particularly the injustice SHE suffers, but thankfully Little Mom couldn’t translate the meows into human language and just petted her head and asked if she was hungry.
Little Mom then walked into the sunroom and glanced around. Seemingly satisfied that nothing was out of the ordinary, she headed back toward the kitchen. And then something outside caught her eye.
“How’d you get outside, Sherman? And what is that all over you?!”