Sleeping with the Enemy

Sherman-01_profileHello, this is The General. My sister Carol is so busy keeping tabs on the comings and goings here that she’s neglected her blog. She claims she has her paws full with keeping us in order with our moms traveling more frequently, but that’s a bunch of cockamamie. If one of my troops failed to report for duty for months on end, I’d give them the boot!

While Carol frets over keeping tabs on that these limp noodles here, I’m dealing with a mutiny. Apparently some of my soldiers think Eggnog – Eggnog! – is a better leader than yours truly. What nonsense!

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Is this the face of a Leader?

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Now that’s more like it!

Before you accuse me of being a male chauvinist dog, hear me out. I’m tired of that little fluffball getting everyone’s sympathy! Eggnog’s the ONLY one in this house that sleeps in the bed with our moms, Eggnog’s the ONLY one that isn’t crated when our humans aren’t home, and Eggnog’s the ONLY one our moms take with them when they visit Grandpa (while the rest of us stay home with a “pet” sitter – the humiliation!).

Eggnog has all of these suckers feeling sorry for her while she lives in high cotton! But not me. I see through her machinations.

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See how terribly she suffers. Give me a break!

You might hear all of this and say Eggnog sounds like a brilliant leader. Maybe she is – if you think politicians make great leaders with all of their scheming and backroom deals. I, however, prefer to honor leaders with excellent moral character. Great men like General Sherman and Ronald Reagan.

It’s all very troubling. Every morning I come downstairs to find another of my soldiers has defected and joined Eggnog’s camp. First it was Lieutenant Dan – but given his history of hard living, I wasn’t too troubled by losing him.

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Look at Eggnog’s face. Caught red-pawed!

Next came Private Rick, a young lad who I knew was easily influenced. So I shrugged off that one, too.

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But then came the sock in the gut – Colonel Sanders, my trusted advisor that I called friend had turned coat.

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How could he? And to think I called him friend.

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The Colonel and me during better times.

That’s when I knew I had a problem on my paws. Swift action was required.

My first course of order was to submit a formal request to the Joint Chiefs of Staff requesting re-relocation of my troop basket.

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You need not remind me that the prior request resulted in the basket being moved to its current sub-par location. Frankly, given my current situation, I would submit to the troop basket being returned to its original spot.

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While terribly inconvenient for a canine of size like myself, at least in its prior location the troops are shielded and do not have a direct line to the enemy’s camp.

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Second, I recruited my brother, Walter, to conduct an investigation into the matter. I know, I know. Walter’s afraid of his own shadow, yet I’m sending him across enemy lines. But I’m a General and I know how to motivate – I promised Walter that if he completes his task successfully, I’ll stop calling him a ninny. As much.

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Ninny.

And, finally, I instituted a propaganda campaign in an attempt to stem the tide.

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It’s too soon to tell if my efforts will be fruitful, but I’m optimistic.

Operation Acorn

I guess peace and quiet can only last so long. Especially when you live in my house.

I love my brother, Steve, but boy does he wear me out! Last week the guys in the Springhill Ballers started questioning his “street cred,” which had him all twisted in knots. They said he was too soft [which he took as a not-so-veiled insult to his abs] and cared more about looking tough than being tough [true and true].

Would you call this tough?

Would you call this tough?

I told Steve not to sweat it. As Baby Girl’s mentor, Gwyneth Paltrow, sagely says, Continue reading

Desperately Seeking Simplicity

The General has been one giant GRUMP since his chewies were confiscated.

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Evidently dogs on diets don’t get donuts chewies.

I don’t feel bad for him, though. Where are MY treats?! If being on a diet means not getting any treats, we cats have been on a diet our WHOLE LIVES!

I’m so sick of all the drama around here, anyway. Why can’t I just be a cat? Continue reading

Better to fight for something, than live for nothing!

Sherman-01_profileHello, this is The General. I recently learned about the humiliations contained in Carol’s last post. What nerve she has telling the world how I got stuck in the secret door! In my defense, that door was made for a cat. A cat! Do you know how squishy cats can be?

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So my getting stuck should come as no surprise. Heck, I’m PROUD I got stuck! What kind of pathetic dog would I be if I didn’t?

Do they want me to be like this skinny nincompoop?!

Sadly, not everyone sees it that way. Continue reading

Buttering Up

My apologies for cutting my last post off so quickly – I’m afraid things got a little out of control. You see, just as I was thanking my guests for their participation in my debate, I heard a scuffle in the kitchen. Following the noise, my eyes caught sight of a blur of black and white. Was that my brother, Steve? And what was that around his neck?!

Sure enough, looking more closely, there was Steve parading around on the other side of the door with a sign around his neck:

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Continue reading

The Great Debate

Hello. For those of you that don’t know me, my name is Carol. I’m a cat and this is my blog. Tonight I am moderating a debate between my brothers, Walter and Sherman [aka The General], and our outside neighbor cat [and my personal mentor], Baby Girl. My sister, Eggnog, has graciously agreed to transcribe the debate, so it’s airing nearly Live!

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After drawing twigs, the order was determined to be The General, Walter, and Baby Girl. I asked all of my participants to keep the discussion polite and respectful. After all, this is a family blog Continue reading

Fair and Balanced

carol-05_profile-circleWalter and The General are in the middle of what are turning out to be some messy negotiations with the Springhill Ballers. The fellas want to engage the Ballers in their effort to rid our yard of its seedy squirrel element. But the Ballers have a lot of demands that I don’t think the boys can meet, including providing fresh salmon for their annual gangsta picnic (our moms don’t even eat seafood, so how are they going to get their paws on that?!) and meeting 50 Cent in person (even Eggnog doesn’t talk to him anymore – she says he’s not as “relevant” as he once was). I guess time will tell.

The General has taken to watching quite a lot of news lately. I thought he was sleeping with the television on, but he claims he’s just resting his eyes. [His eyes may be resting, but his lungs aren’t – what a snore!]

Not as quiet as he looks.

Also not as quiet as he looks.

The General said he hopes that by learning how humans handle their crises, he’ll be able to develop some alternative strategies Continue reading